just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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