well you can't waste a boner
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
