My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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