i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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