I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
