I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
