If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
