It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
