I hate all girls vehemently.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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