Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Found your dick twin last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
