My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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