What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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