No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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