Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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