It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
