So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
