Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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