Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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