first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
