She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
