I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
