when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
