Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
