i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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