Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
