I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
