Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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