i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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