I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just forgot I was standing up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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