Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
