so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
