for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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