My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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