I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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