i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
