I love black thongs
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
