it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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