WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize