I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
