I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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