I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
