I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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