Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
