I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
