do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
