I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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