I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
