My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
