We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
