I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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