it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
