life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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