if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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