i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
