Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
