her vagine was all disorganized.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
